‘Essence of Entrepreneurship Juice’ – anyone?

It’s Global Entrepreneurship Week and I’ve been busy speaking in all the major cities and on television. Not that I’m an Entrepreneur, hardly anyone that speaks on entrepreneurship is. I know as much as the next speaker, dress better, have been on television and I’ve written a best selling, funny book on enterprise.

I also interviewed lots of people that have started and run their own businesses for ‘Stripping for Freedom‘. So I have no trouble in accepting £3000 a pop – 20 minutes. Actually I should charge more, as lots of the corporate CEO speakers and ex politicians know less about it than me and they don’t charge because of their humongous packages.

The main trick at these events is to inspire. This means looking glam, not a problem, and saying stuff that everyone says so everyone can agree with it. Stuff like: ‘Be different’, ‘Just go for it’, ‘Dare to dream’, ‘Be positive’, ‘Raise the bar’, ‘Goals win games’, ‘Be passionate’, ‘Be bold, think big’, ‘Only do what you love doing’, ‘You are your brand’, ‘Get a mentor’, and ‘Surround yourself with successful people’. This last statement is a bit of a problem for me as I hope no-one asks why I’m with my hopeless, hapless and totally, frigging useless, agent – Tony Robinson OBE.

I need to take Robinson with me as I need someone at the back of the room selling ‘Stripping for Freedom‘. Not that he’s any good at that either. He’s now got a hang up about the fact that it has a picture of a pole dancer on the front cover. To avoid people seeing he’s blushing he either pulls a baseball hat over his face or keeps a book in front of it. Not great for creating rapport with the customer.

If anyone asks I say I don’t know who Robinson is and that I assumed he was provided by the organisers – he arrived in the van with the books. Not that I get too many scary questions as I just look the part. I wear a short, black, soft flannel and leather dress by Celine (£2,200 – Harrods) with a vintage gold, Moschino belt and I drape some yellow Headphones (beatsbydre.com) around my neck. Frankly, anyone that looks stinking rich is a glampreneur nowadays – even if all they’ve done is take a big fee or salary.

Some guy from your Brit government explained to me how important it was for ‘prospective entrepreneurs to see role models they can aspire to. That way they’ll build big businesses, take big loans, take on loads of minimum wage and ‘apprentices’ people off the dole and pay lots of taxes – to make up for the taxes we don’t collect from American multinationals’. WTF – if it means all I have to do is look skinny and gorgeous for a fat fee then it’s my kind of gig. The day will soon come when I can afford to just poke that guy’s eyes out.

Anyway, I was looking at the new fragrance for men by Armani called Armani code ultimate. It got me thinking that all those that aspire to be big, swinging dicks would pay a few hundred dollars for ‘Essence of Entrepreneurship Juice’ by Soculitherz – as long as the packaging was right. So I asked Robinson what was the Essence of Entrepreneurship.

He said:
‘if you can afford to then stay away from start up schemes run by the government or banks’,
‘get help from other micro business owners, join the ENTERPRISE ROCKERS movement – it’s free’
‘test out your product and service offer before starting trading’,
‘bootstrap don’t borrow’,
‘look at multiple income streams’,
‘if you really have to have premises then ensure you get easy in, easy out terms’,
‘if you can get a salary from a job whilst you’re starting your business take it’, ‘
‘say ‘No’ to all the products and services Big Companies will say you need to be successful’,
‘plan for at least eighteen months with hardly any dosh from your sales’,
‘add value to price high’,
‘do it yourself – buy cloud solutions and apps – cheap as chips’
‘treat every transaction as a win-win negotiation’,
‘make winning customers and managing cashflow your key skills and priorities and the more you can get paid upfront the better’
….. I stopped him – soooooo boring. Who knew enterprise could be such hard work?

Instead I wrote; ‘Essence of Entrepreneurship Juice by Socilitherz is the new fragrance for the man with vision, the man who controls his own destiny, the man who makes things happen, the man who never settles for second best – the man with ultimate style to whom first class is second nature’. I think that’s better – don’t you?

Ms Soculitherz is a Canadian fashionista, investigative journalist and author of ‘the funniest book on enterprise’, Stripping for Freedom. Ms Soculitherz’s books are available from Amazon and for speaking engagements, please contact her agent, Tony Robinson OBE. Ms Soculitherz is also a Global Ambassador for the Enterprise Rockers movement – making life better and fairer for micro-enterprises everywhere.

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